Mantrouble, big or small, Uncle Agony knows it all.

I recently met a very horny guy and I’m seriously falling for him. He’s the perfect match in bed and I just can’t stop thinking about him. He’s a member of the AfD and very opinionated about it. He says things like all Muslims should be beaten out of Germany and that now is the time when gays and Nazis can fight together for a better world. Now he wants to introduce me to his fellow party members at a function during CSD Dresden and I just don’t know what to wear. (Gregor, Hoyerswerda)

Knowing what to wear for a big event is always a huge dilemma. You want to impress him by having his friends like you so you must think carefully. Say to yourself “What should I wear to a gay racist gathering?” Trust your inner self. Actually, as your inner self is flawed, trust Uncle Agony. I suggest you wear a black burka to meet your boyfriend’s friends. Don’t even tell your boyfriend what you are going to wear. Surprise them all and embrace the wave of emotions that will come to you. Then get your head out of your arse, report the whole group to the police and stop being a dumb, racist cunt!

About four years ago my partner and I have formed a threeway relationship with another guy and things are working out just fine. We don’t have sex and enjoy the times apart from each other. Now my first partner wants to adopt a child, because he feels that would make our life complete. The other partner is also up for it. I like kids, but not around the house. How would you suggest I approach this dilemma? (Neal, Dublin)

You like kids but not around the house? I completely agree! They should be put to work using their little fingers to sew my fine Dolce & Gabanna silk shirts (they hate gays having children too, you know). To be honest, I am finding it hard to understand what the problem is. Let’s check the facts: 1) You don’t have sex in your threeway relationship. 2) You enjoy not being around each other. 3) Your boyfriend has another boyfriend. Now, how can I say this without hurting your feelings… YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS! YOU ARE A SINGLE MAN! THERE IS NO DILEMA!! Hmmmm, I guess couldn’t say it without hurting your feelings. Oh well…

I have a sexual fantasy that I’m too ashamed to tell anyone, so I’m writing to you. I’d like to dress up in quillings, wear really heavy make-up, a curly blonde wig and completely transform myself into a doll. Then I want to get sexually abused by a drag queen, preferably by one of the contestants of the current Drag Race season. Or all of them. On air. Just writing this makes me so hard it aches. Please tell I’m not crazy! (Leo from Leicester)

Okay. You are not crazy…you are FUCKING crazy!

 

Got a qusetion, Darling? Ask me at UncleAgony@bonermagazine.com 

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