Sue Gives A Fuck has 5 years of drag performances under her belt. Three months ago she had sex in drag for the first time. It began a journey that taught her about herself, showed her that straight men are insane, and made her an absolute cock destroyer.

Sue Gives A Fuck: I’m a drag queen. When I switched my gender to female on Tinder, things got niche.

Valuable lessons

The second guy I met off Tinder was Calum. Calum taught me a series of valuable lessons, and they’re not lessons I thought I’d ever have to learn:

First lesson: On a Friday evening, don’t finish work and then try to do a drag face in the office bathroom. The cleaners want to go home and they’ll be banging on the door, but you won’t be able to open the door because you’ve got half a lip on and your trousers round your ankles because you’re not just powdering your face.

Second lesson: Don’t speed-shave your ass hole while panicking. You will cut yourself, and you will then try to powder over the cut, creating a reddish paste.

Thirdly, don’t finally emerge from the office bathroom in drag face, lingerie, and a coat, and get on a train to Chelmsford. You will feel uncomfortable with all the commuters.

Finally, when you arrive in Chelmsford, don’t go to a man’s hotel room, because he won’t be there.

The text message

But fortunately the story doesn’t end there. As I was walking back to the train station I received the following text: ‘I’m so sorry I’m late, boxing ran over, be there in 30 mins’.

So I headed to the closest bar to wait for him. It turns out Chelmsford is in Essex and the closest bar was a sports bar, so you can picture the clientele surrounding me as I sat in my lingerie, fur coat, and drag face drinking my bottle (yes, bottle) of white wine.

After pretty much exactly the promised 30 minutes I get another text, which reads: ‘Could you come meet me outside? I’ve forgotten my ID’. He’s 19, because that’s the age group I get most messages from and I have no principles. I keep him waiting for a moment, centre myself, and only when I’m good and ready do I put down my bottle (because it’s empty) and head outside to meet him. He’s actually really good looking. Like, better than his photos. And it is clear through his shirt that the boxing is paying off.

At the hotel

We walk to the hotel, both visibly nervous: him nervously silent, me nervously refusing to take a breath; and when we get to the room he kisses me. It’s a good kiss. Then things progress in roughly the ‘usual way.’ A bit of heavy petting, slightly exaggerated panting, some mostly disinterested oral in both directions, and the inevitable application of a condom.

When we come to the main event, however, I’m impressed. His stamina is formidable and his expertise belies his youth. He’s been pounding me for a solid 40 minutes, longer than I would ever usually allow, when he withdraws, says ‘I’m just not into it’, and leaves.

Now, if you’ve been pounding me for 40 minutes, you don’t need to tell me you’re not into it. Just pull out, say ‘that was amazing,’ and run for the hills like any reasonable hook up would. He’ll learn, I guess. The tragic thing about it, though, is that he exits so fast he forgets to leave the hotel room key. There are no more trains back to London so obviously I’m staying in this room and, to be frank, I’m a bottom. I’ve not eaten all day and I’m hungry.

Starving Sue Survives

If I don’t get some food there’s no way I’m getting to sleep, but if I leave this room the door locks automatically, so it’s a very difficult situation for a young woman to find herself in, I think you’ll agree.

Well I’m proud to say I rose to the occasion. Don’t forget, in addition to not having eaten, I also hadn’t cum, so I decided to kill two birds with one stone. I popped onto Grindr, had a lovely local Essex chap come round, and had him bring me a pasta salad. I’ll call that one a win.

Was denkst du darüber?